On The Road To Perdition, Will You Follow Me?
by Poucellina
Summary: Shuichi and Eiri lose their way to each other. It's a story about how people cope when life throws them for a curve, the choices they make, and how they deal with the consequences. YukiXShu. Please R&R.
1. The Sea of Nothingness

Chapter 1 - The Sea of Nothingness

_I could never fix him. I tried but I could not. Instead, I ended up broken and tormented._

Friday 26 December 2008

It had been 9 years since they had met. The how and when, everybody knew. Hell, all of Japan knew. It had been passionate, stormy and unstable. And at the end, after 3 years, countless fights, incredible sex, a pair of rings for a vow that would never be exchanged, numerous attempts to a normal life, the relationship came to an end. Even now, Shuichi could smell his scent, a mix of cigarettes and expensive cologne. But, Yuki was not here. No, he was probably with his boyfriend of 5 years or whoever the mistress of the moment was. The singer could not blame his former partner though. After all, they had been apart for quite some time now, and he, himself had moved on. Well, maybe on a physical level, even though it always felt empty.

No, now Shuichi was sitting by his living room window, looking at the view without seeing anything really. Playing with his ring on the chain hanging around his neck, he was lost in his thoughts. Lately, they were his only companions at night. What a waste! To be so in love, to have so much to share, but to never be able to give anything. Empty... Everything was empty.

Yuki called earlier to wish him a Merry Christmas but Shuichi had not picked up. There was no point. Once upon a time, Christmas had been his favorite holiday, but right now it was his worst nightmare. The last time he spent it with Yuki, Riku had been there helping Shuichi put the ornaments on the tree. It was the picture perfect family, except for the fact that Eiri tortured himself for past mistakes that were out of his control; Shuichi blinded by unconditional love felt his bright outlook on life would conquer anything; and Riku craved for the family he really never had.

The writer grudgingly had stepped away from his laptop that night and joined the world of the living by sitting on the couch chain smoking and drinking beers. Shuichi did not mind. Sitting on the floor by Eiri's side with Riku sleeping on his lap, that's where he wanted to be... Surrounded by his family, he felt whole. At some point, he must have fallen asleep as well because he woke up to a subtle nudge on his shoulder, or was it a caress? Shuichi could never tell. In a rare moment of kindness, Yuki picked up Riku and put him to bed. The writer was still reluctant to adopt Riku, but Shuichi was confident he was warming up to the idea. That night, he came back to get the singer "allowing" him to enter the bedroom to celebrate a festive night. Shuichi could have sworn that these moments were becoming more frequent.

The phone jolted him out of his thoughts again. Damn, life! For once, he was having a pleasant flashback and it had to be ruined. Shuichi had made his decision, however. The once vibrant artist had broken. He had created a mirage of himself for the world to worship for many years but memory was a bitch and after years of trying to forget and pursue a normal life, he was too exhausted to deny what was ultimately his responsibility. He had destroyed everything and he could no longer live with the guilt. These restless nights tormented by the 'what ifs,' he could not deal with them anymore.

He yanked off his chain and placed it on the table. With a firm step, he headed towards his patio, down to the beach, straight into the deadly embrace of the sea. The last thing Shuichi remembered was the taste of the sea, the darkness, then nothing...

TBC


	2. Happiness Never Lasts

**This is a 10 chapters story. I will post every week. Enjoy!**

Chapter 2 - Happiness Never Lasts

_Action speaks louder than words. I did try to show him in small ways that I cared but my actions were too small for him to notice._

6 years ago

I am a romance writer. I make my living writing about love with tragic endings. Some have criticized my work, pointing out I probably did not know what love was. Of course, they were wrong. I had fallen in love three times in my life. The first time, I was born into love. My mother seemed to give me all the attention to compensate for the nasty comments I would receive because of my non-Japanese looks. I had nothing to complain about. She was sweet and tender and I felt at the center of someone's world. Then, tragedy struck and she disappeared. Then, at 16, I fell in love with my tutor, a man no less. The exuberance of this new feeling was overwhelming, and I had no idea how to handle it. So, to have it exposed so brutally by the person I admired the most turned it into this grotesque event in my life. Tohma once said that Kitazawa turned me into a cold self-absorbed man… that I shut myself away from reality. I disagree. Kitazawa woke me up to reality, where love is rarely returned and we are more prone to hurt each other than to care for one another.

My third love… Well, he did not know I loved him. It was not pride that prevented me from telling him, but rather the lack of necessity. He seemed content and fulfilled at the moment. Since Riku had come to live with us, he focused most of his unlimited energy on him.

"Can you help me tie my shoes?" I looked down to see Brat #2 staring at me with his big innocent eyes.

"Riku, why don't you ask Shuichi?" even though I was already kneeling on the floor to help him out.

"Because Mama does not know how to do it. I asked already."

I rolled my eyes at that. Brat #2 was supposed to be helpless but Brat #1 was just helpless… But they were my brats.

"When I am 12, I will buy a beach house."

That was random. "Why a beach house?"

"Because by the sea, you can go swimming often."

That made no sense. "Why 12?"

"Because I will be all grown up and I can take care of you and mama. Uncle Hiro says that mama needs a lot of care and that you don't know how to take care of yourself. So, you probably …"

"I got it!" I said while gracefully muting the sound by covering the 6-year-old's mouth. "When you see Uncle Hiro today, tell him I will be glad to hear what taking care of Shuichi means."

The chuckling sound in the back indicated that 'Mama' had heard everything. How mortifying. Sometimes the thought of Hiro knowing more about his best friend than me awakened an uncontrollable jealousy. I had become an expert in burying those insecurities for fear that Shuichi would catch on to me. Deep down I knew the brat understood, but he was too decent of a man to bring the subject up.

"Let's go. Riku, don't forget your drawing sets. Brat, what are you bringing? That won't fit in my car."

"It's Sakuma's present, a giant Kumagoro. And yes it will."

What had I committed myself to? Going to my obsessed brother-in-law and my overbearing sister's house for a late Christmas party meant having to deal with their equally moronic and crazy friends. I didn't know how I had gotten stuck into this mess in the first place. To top it all off, the hope for a quiet ride quickly vanished as I saw Riku handing to Shuichi the latest Bad Luck CD. Living with a musician, noise had become my eternal friend.

Pulling in Tohma's driveway, I gave my last warning: No destroying, no whining, and no drinking. That last one was of course for the older brat, the one for which the words 'tolerance' and 'alcohol' would never co-exist. Bouncing happily out of the car, the both of them were engulfed by the mansion, passing my brother-in-law armed with, in one hand, a giant cane, probably MY ashtray, and a garbage bag on the other. Migraine, migraine, here you come!

"Eiri-san, how nice to see you today. What brings you here?" he said smiling coyly and handing me the ashtray.

"You know damn well why I am here, Seguchi."

"I see you are in a good mood. Was the ride on the way here too long?"

I did not answer and marched into the house like there was no tomorrow. There was a long weekend ahead of us and it was better to save my energy than to end up in meaningless arguments.

Everyone was here, from Bad Luck to Nittle Grasper. Avoiding people was not going to be an option and if Mika's current death grip on my arm was anything to go by, my family was going to take this opportunity to get closer to me.

"Who do you think should sit here?" she asked as she scanned each place around the table thoughtfully, while strategically placing name tags and removing others.

"How would I know?" Either she had officially lost it or she was worried about where I would sit. Even though our social circles didn't fit with each other, Shuichi fit anywhere he went, blissfully oblivious of any contemptuous look directed at him. On one hand, Bad Luck was not per se against our relationship, but they were weary of Shuichi's moods swings which religiously followed the trends of our fights. On the other hand, my family accepted my lover but they were still suspicious of the potential negative effect his influence could have on my health. With this annoying thought in my head, I dismissed my sister to go burn a cigarette on the porch hoping to find peace.

"Have you seen the indoor pool yet?" I turned to Shuichi. "It was still under construction when we came last. But now, it looks really nice. The security doors cannot close though. So we have to watch out for Riku. I promised him we will go swimming later as long as he stays away for now." Shuichi playfully brushed some imaginary dust off my coat. I guess it was his way to get his physical contact of the day. Sleeping at my sister's house brought about a startling change in him that could be summed up in two words: No Sex. The typically extremely pleasing singer went in hibernation mode without a second thought when in his boss' house. His fear of Tohma or his virgin like shyness was both plausible culprits but he refused to talk about it and I did not pry.

A loud "dinner time!" resonated throughout the house prompting Shuichi to head towards the living room. I don't know what overtook me at that moment but I grabbed his hand, turned him around, and kissed him almost desperately. He never had the time to close his eyes but his instantaneous pink tint on his cheeks reassured me that even though nothing may happen tonight, he still desired me.

Dinner was rather uneventful. The third successful year of Bad Luck was toasted with champagne. Apparently, their sales surpassed Nittle Grasper's this year, which made an already giddy singer even giddier. I amused myself by watching over Riku threatening my niece Atami with two chocolaty hands for the better part of the evening. Even though the little girl was only two, she usually bossed him around. She definitely took after the great Seguchi-sama. But, today Riku had the upper hand and ended up frightening the little girl so much that she took cover under my sister's dress. Innocent Riku was going to follow suit when a giggling Shuichi saved the day by forcefully taking him to the bathroom to clean up.

"They are cute, aren't they? And Shuichi acts very mature with him"

I had to laugh at that. "Nakano, there is a big difference between seeming and being. But, yes they teach other a lot." I said sarcastically.

"I guess Shuichi will never learn maturity from you."

I didn't answer. There was no need. Hiro and I will never like each other but we will respect each other for the sake of Shuichi. Suguru and Tatsuha joined in the conversation to be only interrupted by Shuichi and Sakuma's weird antics with the plush toy Shu had managed to bring in my car. Wait… Shuichi. Where was Riku? I quickly scanned the room.

"Shuichi, have you seen Riku?"

"No, I haven't seen him since…the bathroom…" His pensive look turned into sheer panic and he ran to the back of the house towards the indoor pool. No, No, No… I followed him only to be stopped in my tracks by the horrifying scene. A small body was floating face down in the swimming pool. Without a second thought, I jumped in to get Riku out of the water and I started CPR.

_1 2 3 Breath 1 2 3 Breath 1 2 3 Breath 1 2 3 Breath 1 2 3 Breath 1 2 3…_

I glanced at Shuichi who had not moved from the stopping point of his frantic run, but I didn't like what I saw. Desperately, I returned to bringing Riku back to life. Come on, Riku! Breath! I pushed on his little chest. 1 2 3. Maybe during normal times, I would have been scared of breaking him or applying too much force, but this was not a normal time. He was ghostly pale and nothing seemed to be working. I heard Seguchi on the phone with the ambulance dispatcher. When did he get there?

_1 2 3 Breath 1 2 3 Breath 1 2 3 Breath 1 2 3 Breath 1 2 3 Breath 1 2 3…_

Happiness never lasts… _When I am 12, I will buy a beach house_

TBC


	3. And the Emptiness Settled

**I hope you all enjoy the third installment!**

Chapter 3 – And the Emptiness Settled

_Even though the deafening cacophony of fears was distorting my world, I let it happen without a fight._

6 years ago - 2 months later

I am a musician. Everything, from the folding of a piece of paper to the clacking sound of a shoe hitting the pavement, is music to my ears. Sometimes my surrounding is an incoherent symphony that can only make sense once translated into paper, and sometimes it is a beautiful ballad whose raw purity doesn't need to be touched. That was what Riku sounded like to me.

The six-year-old never had a chance. He was pronounced dead on the scene in the midst of the painful cries of some and the angry yells of others. I had always heard that when life took a tragic turn, people dealt with the stress by blurring everything together. That was a lie. Nothing about that day and the miserable moments since then have been a blur to me. I knew I was not an involuntary peon of a nightmare that would end soon. The incredibly still body of Riku and what it meant tore my heart into pieces. Eiri's desperation in trying to revive him blew the pieces away. With every minute that passed, my lover's cold façade was crumbling while mine was building up. But I could not move, I could not fight, I could not hope, I could not cry.

Two months later, I still could not cry. My band, my boss, my friends and even my lover had advised me to go to a grief counselor who could provide me with guidance on how to deal with the pain. For an extremely emotional person like myself, my reaction, or lack thereof, was perceived as... worrisome. At the funeral, Yoshiki, shattered by loss, attacked Eiri for his supposed carelessness. If Yoshiki had known it was I who had been irresponsible, what would he have said?

"You had to take him away too. One brother was not enough. You had to take my nephew too." Beating on my lover's chest, he was losing his breath with each hit. But Eiri did not stop him. Only when Yoshiki was kneeling on the floor, surrendering to his misery, did he join him for comfort. Or was he crying with him? Tohma came to the rescue and pulled Yoshiki to the side while Hiro helped my lover to a chair. Tragedy pulls people apart but it also brings them together. During these past two months, Hiro and Eiri had formed an unlikely bond trying to diagnose my problems and the funeral seemed to have been the starting point of this odd friendship.

Where was I in all this mess? I was there, answering people's questions, hugging when hugged, returning embraces when embraced, but the music had stopped making sense. I could still hear sounds but instead of plunging me in a state of bliss, they drew me onto the road of perdition. Eiri, in a very un-Eiri move, had tried to talk to me about Riku, the silence now permeating our life, and my lack of emotions… But I couldn't. I resisted to his awkward attempts panicked of what he would discover if he probed too much. I shut him out of my newly distorted world.

Even now, looking at the sterile white wall of this sumptuous bedroom, only covered by a sheet, I was shutting him out.

"Shu-chan, are you sure about this? If you don't want to, I can wait."

Without a word, I dropped the sheet unveiling my naked body, and advanced purposefully towards my prey. I wanted to forget and I would do anything to get rid of the people who reminded me of what I had done. There was no lust, there was no passion, just manipulation. Not once, while he gently made love to me whispering endless words of love that never reached me, did I look at him. How could I?

"You are leaving?" Dressing, I still could not look at him. "Yes Ryu-san, I am going home… to Eiri." I added pointedly.

Searching for his secret stash of cigarettes, he nodded. "I see. Then, what was this about?"

"What was what?" I could not answer his question. The truth would have hurt him more than just ignoring him. Blowing out the smoke of his once a month cigarette, he gave up in pursuing this conversation. It was better to leave it alone anyway.

Always unpredictable, he decided to change subject. "You should have your arms checked out. It looks painful."

"None of your business." I spat earning a startled gaze from my idol.

Ready to go, I walked to his side, bent down, grabbed his cigarette, took a drag, and gave it back to him. That's when I saw his eyes telling me of his bitter disappointment, and the guilt of what I had just done made me falter.

Holding my face with two hands, Ryuichi looked at me as if searching for the Shuichi of two months ago. "Who are you?"

I didn't even know myself. Disengaging myself from his hold, I put my jacket on. "I am sorry." I silently closed the door behind me and left to go home… to Eiri, a man I no longer deserved.

And the emptiness settled…

TBC


	4. A Heart Splitting In Two

**Here is the fourth installment. My apologies to potential reviewers. I just realized that I had disabled the review feature. Oops! Anyway, this is one of my favorite chapters and I hope you will all enjoy it.**

Chapter 4 - Have You Ever Heard the Sound of a Heart Splitting in Two?

_Tears are not a sign of weakness but an outlet for an unfolding tragedy._

6 years ago

During a quiet evening on a cold night in early March, Eiri Yuki was trying in vain to change the mood of his latest novel. The sappy romance story was stuck at the happy stage of the storyline, before his characters walk the path of inevitable tragedy. But, at the moment, instead of loving life, they were plagued by a strong state of depression, unable to define what they wanted or where they wanted to go. Glancing at the clock, the writer sighted. 1AM and Shuichi was MIA… again. After a conversation with the singer's best friend, who had reported that said singer should have been home by 8PM, the writer had decided to wait patiently. Calling his lover to ask where he was not being his style, the waiting game had been the only viable solution at the time. But now, five hours later, one pack of cigarettes empty, and no chapters completed, worry was being replaced by anger and frustration.

Shuichi's initial distant behavior had been somewhat of a shock, but when coldness towards others had been added to the mix, everyone's alarm bells went off. Tohma had offered Bad Luck some time off but the singer adamantly refused citing an already very much delayed album that could no longer wait; Suguru tried to be a little more gentler with his criticism; K no longer brought any guns to threaten the band, not that he needed to anymore; Sakano hid in the restroom every time a panic attack was lurking around; Sakuma drew a 'sparkly Shuichi' almost every day in the hope that the drawings would somehow inspire the singer to act the same way he used to; and Eiri… Eiri did not know what to do.

Being in unfamiliar territory was the understatement of the year. First of all, Eiri, himself, had never been good at dealing with grief. But Shuichi was on an all new level. The oh so emotional singer had become a silent, withdrawn man. Eiri spent a great deal of time staring at his lover (when he was home) to search for any remaining trace of the overactive, eccentric Shuichi, but he had come to believe that the brat was gone for good. Not that he could blame him. The first time that the change had been made crystal clear was right after the funeral, when the singer made a bee line for Riku's room to pack his belongings.

"What are you doing?"

"What do you think I am doing? I am packing his stuff to donate it."

"Isn't it a little too early to turn the page?"

"It's not because it's taking you more than 9 years to turn the page on Kitazawa, that it has to take me that long."

While true, it was uncalled for. Eiri paled at that comment. How could Shu utter such cruel words? The writer understood too well what was happening to his lover. He wanted to go to his lover, hold him tightly in his arms, and promise him that it was ok to cry. Shutting himself out and pushing his loved ones away would not relieve his pain. But, Eiri had been broken long ago and did not know how to piece himself back together, much less prevent his lover from shattering completely. So, he remained rooted to his spot, leaning against Riku's doorframe, observing his lover sinking deeper in his depression, a silent spectator to an unfolding tragedy.

His sad memories were disrupted by the sound of shuffled keys and a closing door. Shuichi was finally home. 1:30 AM… Damn!

Calmly opening the door of his study, Eiri was ready for a showdown. Shuichi needed help and cold hearted bastard or not, he, Eiri Yuki, solemnly swore that the singer's downward spiral would be addressed tonight.

"Where were you?"

"At Sakuma's." That was a first. Shuichi had not answered a question in a forward manner in two months. Something was up but the writer was not going to let it deter him. Following his lover to the bedroom, Eiri continued.

"Brat, there are rules in this house."

"Which are?" cut in the singer insolently.

"Sarcasm or not, you will hear me out." His golden eyes grew bigger as he observed the singer's action. "Why are you packing your clothes? Your tour is not until next week." Grabbing his wrist maybe more forcefully than first intended, Eiri repeated his question.

The look on Shuichi's face would have chilled even a serial killer to the bone: a mixture of self-loathing, hopelessness, and regret. Dropping his eyes to the floor as shame was ready to overwhelm him, the petite man mumbled something, but it could not be right.

"What was that? What about Sakuma? I don't think I heard you right..." But Eiri had heard him. From disbelief or maybe disgust, he let him go and walked backward until his course was interrupted by the bed forcing him to sit. In a smooth motion, Shuichi turned around, once again silently packing everything he owned. No more words needed to be said. He had broken his lover's trust by doing the unthinkable. The singer could not have had sex without feelings. So cheating meant it was over… at least for the old Shuichi, but Eiri was not buying it.

"Is it about Riku? Did you do this to destroy everything you hold close to your heart so once you have nothing left, you can fade away quietly?" Getting up swiftly, the angry writer dragged a frightened singer into the bathroom and threw him into the shower. "Answer me, Shuichi." The use of his name was not endearing at that particular moment, but rather the outcome of a boiling rage threatening to explode. "Answer me, damn it!" Turning on the cold water and aggressively undressing his lover, the writer did not care anymore. He would cleanse him from Sakuma. He would wake the kid out of his trance or whatever was taking him hostage and would make him feel again.

Shuichi was struggling, suddenly assaulted by images of Tachi and his camera moving on to the very still face of Riku, a face that would never smile again. "Let me go, please let me go. I can't take it anymore." The wails of the artist snapped Eiri out of his uncontrollable anger. Folded into himself, huddled in the corner of the shower, half undressed, with cold water pouring on his frail body, the singer was finally crying. At last, the gates had been opened, but to get to that point had been damaging, irreparably so. "You disgust me." Heading to the door, Eiri knew that his harsh words were meant to hurt, but they were not felt. He was stopped by a trembling hand, firmly gripping the bottom of his damped shirt.

"I was drunk. I don't know what I told him. Maybe I told him to wait for me by the pool and I never came, and he became impatient. He always wanted us to teach him how to swim. I just can't remember but I know it was my fault. I was in charge. I am the last one who saw him alive. I should have prevented it." The last words of this heart wrenching confession were muffled by a strong hiccup signaling an oncoming anxiety attack. Shuichi's facade had cracked and was unraveling at surprising speed.

Conquered for now by his lover's wave of guilt, Eiri turned off the freezing water and finished to undress him. "Shu, you can't change the past." It was ironic for him to say that. He knew it. But, his survival instinct was kicking in, screaming to protect the only human being who had endured his anger, his self-destructive attacks, and his pathetic verbal abuse, without asking anything in return but his love.

Like a lifeless doll, the shivering singer did not put on a fight when the writer, who had encircled him with a towel, lifted him off the floor and put him under the covers. When Eiri joined him to bed, Shuichi, in a desperate movement, made himself fit in the embrace of his partner, tucking his head under the writer's chin. Eiri, who under normal circumstances was not one to be caught alive cuddling, could not help but try to sooth his lithe lover by rubbing his lower back in circular motions, whispering words of encouragement.

Trying to get a hold of his anger, the writer wanted to convince himself that what was done was done. He could not undo the cheating, except for beating the man who dared touching his property, and taking advantage of a brat who was disoriented by his inability to cope with his pain. He could not bring Riku back, but he could help Shuichi come to terms with the loss and accept it. He realized that he was not the most compassionate person or the most understanding. He even acknowledged that dealing with guilt and handling demons were not his strong suits. But for Shuichi, he would learn. If his own experience had taught him anything, building up barriers was just a poor defense mechanism that eventually caught up with you. And, if what happened tonight was any indication of Shuichi's mental state, the kid would eventually self-destruct. After all, he had never answered Eiri's question: _"Did you do this to destroy everything you hold close to your heart so once you have nothing left, you can fade away quietly?"_

5AM... The last thing Eiri remembered before falling asleep was the claw like grip of his lover on his back, his labored breath, and the silent tears of a tortured boy who was finally growing up in the worst way possible… and that sound, that horrible sound of a heart tearing in two.

TBC


	5. A Wave of Nostalgia

**Here is Chapter 5. I hope you enjoy it. Thank you to mystice for the nice review. The story has 10 chapters, so 5 more to go!**

Chapter 5 – A Wave of Nostalgia

_Nostalgia is the undeniable proof that you are still alive and looking for what you have lost._

Friday 26 December, 2008

In the end, I never had the chance to beat Sakuma senseless for taking advantage of Shuichi that night. That idiot must have felt a storm coming because the next day he had packed his bags and returned to America to pursue his budding movie career. Maybe, Shuichi was not taken advantage of after all, and it was I, the fool, who had thought that my lover was distraught by the grief of losing Riku because when I woke up after that fateful night, Shuichi was gone as well, to England, no less.

At everyone's surprise, he had won a solo record deal from one of the top European labels. It was a baffling turn of events. Shu's English had always been mediocre and even private lessons would not do. The idea that my ex-lover would be singled out by a foreign company while his fame had only remained within the limits of Japan led me to suspect that he had somehow been helped. The chaos his departure created in the heart of his friends, family and fans reached devastating proportions. The first few days were spent in trying to quietly locate the missing singer, but the frantic search quickly ended when Tohma received a phone call from the President of RIM headquartered in London, announcing that Shuichi had dropped NG and would be working for them now. A press conference was held putting Bad Luck on an indefinite hiatus, but the reasons behind that decision were not clearly explained, and the absence of the lead singer led to growing speculations. About two weeks later, rumors had spread to such a catastrophic extent that Shuichi was forced to give a statement via satellite to a disbelieving crowd, myself included.

The well orchestrated interview danced around facts and sang the birth of a new career punctuated by a series of apologies to his band mates for abandoning them in the midst of an unparalleled success; to NG for closing the door on a three year professional partnership; to his family for worrying them unnecessarily; to his fans for changing the music with the promise of a better sound; and finally to me for ending a heartfelt relationship that no longer made sense, but would always be remembered. This effectively stopped the media circus, and instead acclaimed Shu's maturity in handling his professional career, already generating a buzz for his upcoming solo single that would not hit the stands for at least six more months.

After watching in disbelief what I could qualify as the most public break-up in the history of Japanese show biz, I turned off the TV and sat in the dark for quite some time, pondering how we had gotten to that point. Going to England and getting back what was mine crossed my mind, but the desperation of this action would have been such that I did not think that the relationship would even stand a chance in front of my seriously bruised ego, not to mention the complete loss of a trust from his escapade with his idiotic idol and his subsequent departure. It was that night, switching from the emotions of anger to self-pity that Nakano came stumbling at my door, like a lost master whose harmless puppy had suddenly bit him.

"I don't understand his rational. It may be a better move professionally, but doesn't he need us? Doesn't he need you?" the Bad Luck guitarist said, pacing back and forth, expressing out loud the agitation I felt inside.

My guess was that the feelings of reproach, anger, and abandonment he had towards his best friend were as foreign to him than they were to me. He continued his rant for a while with me as his only spectator until he was interrupted by the ring of my home phone. Though the answering machine was there to stall the prying vultures.

"I am sorry." That quivering voice made Nakano stop in his never ending circle, and made me turn my head from the blank TV screen to the deceiving looking phone. "I owe you that much after what I did with Ryuichi," the newly directed stare of the guitarist and the pain in my stomach told me that I was in for a night of sorrow. "and for leaving without a word. I hope … I hope we can be friends." I had to smile at his hesitation. After everything was said and done, Shuichi still needed to be loved and forgiven. It seemed that the singer would never understand how to be a true bastard. "When you are ready … or you have moved on. Please be strong and help the people who want your help." He continued. The click of the machine indicated the end of the message, but in my head, I was playing it again, completely oblivious to Nakano's presence. Not until I was seeing the blood on the napkin he was trying to hold in front of my mouth, did I realize that I was in serious trouble. Damn ulcer!

Today seemed as cold as that night. Although I was not a good judge anymore as I never felt warm, not ever since the brats left me. Standing in front of Riku's grave, on the sixth anniversary of his death, I could honestly say that Brat #2 had brought stability in my relationship with Shuichi, but had taken it away with his passing. For a brief moment, we had been a family and a seemingly happy one at that. _"Death Leaves a Heartache No One Can Heal, Love Leaves Lives a Memory No One Can Steal,"_ read his tombstone. How painfully true! Right below, I saw a picture of me and Shuichi, a sign that Brat #1 had been here already today. The child, who will never be forgotten even in death, still helped us communicate.

The photo Shuichi had just left behind was taken two years ago at Tatsuha and Maiko's wedding. It was a candid shot of the both of us sitting at a table looking at each other right before the newlyweds' first dance. I hadn't realized someone had snapped a picture but here it was in all its glory.

I had moved on as requested by my former lover and we had even been able to talk to each other, but I didn't think we would ever be able to reach the 'friend' status until we attended that wedding. It was odd in a way to think that our relationship had impacted the lives of our family, discretely weaving the threads of their destiny together. Tatsuha had been introduced to Maiko at Riku's funeral and had not left her side since then. When they announced their engagement, everyone soared with happiness but then the consequences of what that union meant slowly made their way into the mind of our two families, crippling them with fears during a time of supposed joy. No one seemed too worried about Shuichi's feelings, but I had become the victim of the break-up and as such, was offered the opportunity by Shuichi's parents to request that he did not attend the festivities to the horror of his sister who apparently had not been consulted on that decision. After more or less negotiating with them, the couple to marry and myself convinced them to send him an invitation to the wedding, but excluded him from the rehearsal dinner.

So an outcast Shuichi, coming back to Japan for the first time in four years, remained quiet upon his arrival and except for Tatsuha and Maiko, did not see nor get in touch with anyone until the day of the wedding. To the dismay of both family clans, we were both in the wedding party, which meant we were going to be in proximity to each other. During the reception, while I received sympathetic looks, Shuichi was the object of many unfriendly glares, but no matter how uncomfortable the situation must have been, the singer never showed signs of weariness. His laugh was more controlled, his gestures were more studied, his words were more carefully chosen, and his facial features were better schooled. In other words, Shuichi had become a man, dropping the carefree act of his youth by replacing it with a bubbly personality with a touch of maturity. In a way, this more grown up attitude of his made me ache even more for the wacky mess that he was.

"You are looking well, Eiri." He said nonchalantly, when we were alone at the table.

"You seem less of a brat." He laughed at that.

"A brat is a brat. We never change. Always causing unnecessary worries." He said the last statement looking at his sister chatting with Suguru. "Anyway, I read your last book. It was poignant, but less tragic than the others. You started by depicting happy-go-lucky characters and while you may have related to them at the beginning, you never quite related to them at the end. So you reverted to your traditional tragic ending. But I did not feel as bad for them as usual because they did not seem finished." I raised my eyebrows. When did Shuichi read anything but Mangas, much less critique a novel? Misunderstanding my surprise for indignity, he quickly backtracked suddenly unsure of the solidity of his opinion. And that's when I thought I saw him, the fragile broken kid who seemed to have cheated on a quest to self-destruction.

"I think you are right." quieting down his false apologies. "I never identified with the protagonists even though I tried." The truth was that I had started the novel when Riku had come to live with us and abandoned it at his death. Then I had picked up where I left off when I thought I was on the road to recovery but the end results had never satisfied me. The veracity of Shuichi's analysis touched me deep in my soul stirring something that I had thought was resolved. Before I knew it, I was cleaning an imaginary chunk of food off the corner of his lips, enticing, demanding, bruising lips I used to take for granted so long ago.

Leaning in my touch, he started sputtering incomprehensible sentences. "I just want to say … Even now … When I started …"

But he was never able to piece his thoughts together. The DJ announced the first dance and finally realizing the consequences of my actions, I grabbed the glass in front me and turned to the dance floor while Shuichi chuckled lightly to cover his embarrassment.

"I must have drunk too much. I don't know what I am saying."

"You should be careful. You know what happens when you get drunk." I saw him pale considerably.

"I believe I deserve that." He said, and to my bewilderment, he excused himself from the table not to be seen again that night. It was only an hour later when I overheard two older ladies mention the name of Riku that it hit me … very hard. Without meaning to, my comment about his lack of self-control when drunk had been inevitably associated with a traumatic accident he already felt responsible for.

So, for a brief moment, two years ago, I held onto this dream for five minutes that Shuichi and I were what we had been, a semi-dysfunctional couple whose love and passion for each other were stronger than the miserable reality of this cruel world.

With that thought in mind, I grabbed the picture he had left on the grave and put it in the top pocket of my cardigan. Walking slowly in the dreary December weather and getting myself ready for the long drive to Tohma's house tomorrow, I looked up to see my lover, waiting by my car.

"Everything all right?"

"Shuichi is in town." And that's all that needed to be said. Hiro already knew what that meant. No matter how long we had been together, Shu was the elephant of our relationship. Neither spoken of at family reunions nor acknowledged in the privacy of our four walls, the specter of my relationship with this boy who had saved me from myself followed my every move. Even though the singer moved on, I had not, and Hiro was very well aware of it.

Fighting back the wave of nostalgia that threatened to overcome me, I fastened my seatbelt. Ignoring the guitarist's stare demanding my unwavering commitment, I looked in front of me at the road leading to our apartment, haunted by images of my ex-lover, with a hole burning in my chest.

TBC


	6. The Smell of Fear

**Here is the sixth installment. Thank you for all of you who reviewed the previous chapters. I also appreciate your opinions and rest assured that I take them into account. I hope you will like this chapter. I really wanted to include this character's point of view. After that, the story will speed up... I promise!**

Chapter 6 – The Smell of Fear

_Fear is the prelude of a requiem to our own hell._

Saturday 27 December 2008

If one day I had been told that my life would revolve around my wife and my daughter, I would have genuinely laughed. Me. A pianist extraordinaire. A successful manager. A savvy songwriter. A genius marketer. A music mogul. Over the years, I became the willing prisoner of my family's need for protection and love.

"When do you think they will get here?" questioned Mika, tapping her foot impatiently while scrutinizing the driveway from our bay window.

"Eiri called me two hours ago to tell me they were on their way. They should not be too long."

Joining me in the living room, Mika sat on the arm of the sofa, propping herself up. I knew that move. That meant she was going to engage in a serious negotiation. "You should have told him about it."

I sighed. "What Shuichi does is no longer Eiri's concerns. Besides, Hiro would not be too pleased with the information."

My wife huffed. "Since when do Hiro's insecurities stop you? Eiri should know."

"Should know what?" asked the newly arrived grumpy writer. Great timing.

"Shuichi bought a beach house two hours from here," blurted out Mika. Eiri's golden eyes tripled in size but not from surprise like I would have suspected, but from panic. We did not further discuss this new piece of information, and Atami, who had heard her favorite uncle's arrival, bolted from her upstairs bedroom to the welcoming arm of a bewildered Eiri.

"Uncle Eiri, you are here! I missed you sooooooooooooo much."

"I was on the phone with you yesterday for at least an hour," my distracted brother-in-law responded. I was always amused by his sense of inadequacy in dealing with the innocence of a child. Holding my eight year old with one arm, Eiri embraced Mika. Oh, Shuichi, if you could see the man of your life right now, so caring to a family he used to push away, how would you feel?

"How is my favorite niece?" chirped Hiro, who had just walked in. The guitarist tried so hard, sometime it was pathetic to watch. Unlike Eiri's former relationship, I never 'interfered' in the new one. Why get involved when the couple was bound to fail anyway?

When Shuichi barged into Eiri's broken life, I had worried, conspired, manipulated, lied, and blackmailed. All for the sake of the one I wanted to protect. Until one day, I had to swallow the inevitable truth that the lithe singer had wormed his way into the heart of a cold bastard and from the inside was destroying all of the walls separating him from the ones who loved him. It was not an overnight transition but by the time of Riku's tragic death, I had come to terms with the unusual pair and accepted it.

But everything changed. When Shuichi came to me one month after Riku's funeral and he said he wanted to talk, I knew that he had chosen me to help him in his mourning. So I sat down with him late one night in my NG office and I listened to his guilt-ridden tale of how grief-stricken he had been since he had lost the child, but he shed no tears. Not one.

I had seen my share of tortured souls and Shuichi fit right in, except for one crucial difference. He refused to impose his sufferings on his family and friends. He pleaded with me to break his record deal, to help him escape, to see that his band mates could pursue their music careers, and to take care of Eiri.

"I will level with you, Shuichi. Let's suppose I can grant you all of your professional requests, Eiri is his own man, not to mention a stubborn one. You can't put him in a box and expect him to stay there. It doesn't …"

"I understand," interrupted the singer. "But it is just a matter of time until I hurt him, too."

"What do you mean?" Rolling up his sleeves, the singer unveiled a mare of lines some healed, some healing, and some maybe a few hours old.

"Eiri does not know. We don't … since … Well, you know. Everything is spinning out of control and I don't know how long I can hold until it spills onto other people."

My daydreaming was cut short by my dear brother-in-law. "So do you spend a lot of time sitting alone by the indoor pool?"

"Just to reminisce every now and then."

"I would not consider this place a means to find peace." His dark undertone made it very clear what he was alluding to.

"Everyone needs to move forward eventually. You too, Eiri-san. You have Hiro-san now."

"Call it whatever it is, Seguchi." He lighted up a cigarette, probably to fill out the awkward silence. "I called the Brat to wish him Merry Christmas but I got his voicemail. I left a message."

I nodded. "Yes, he has not responded to my calls either today."

"How did you know about Shuichi's new beach house?"

Nice timing, away from prying ears, especially Nakano's. "I scouted the house for him and helped him with the closing documents."

"I see. That's nice of you." I didn't miss the sarcasm in his voice but chose to ignore it.

"Anyway, Mika thought it would be nice to give him a Dom Perignon 1980 as a house warming present. But that was a major faux pas."

"Why is that?"

"Because he does not drink. He hasn't for at least six years. So now we were thinking about buying him a cooking set… Eiri-san, what's wrong?"

"Nothing. It's just news to me." Avoiding my gaze at all cost, he looked the other direction, ending all discussions on the subject. Shuichi had never been a heavy drinker to begin with but his absolute repulsion for alcohol had been one of the many drastic changes in his life after the accident. I had known about Eiri's careless words at the wedding, and had seen first hand their devastating consequences. The singer had made one too many cuts that night which landed him at the hospital for a few days and earned him his first psychiatric evaluation. Quieting the sordid affair had not been easy but I did not own one of the most powerful record labels in Japan just by pure luck.

Over the years, Shuichi had achieved more success and more notoriety than Ryuichi ever dreamed of. Between his singing, ad, modeling, and even his movie deals, Shuichi found himself at the peak of his career. But was he really happy?

Eiri put out his cigarette in the conveniently, or maybe strategically, located ashtray. "Have you always had cameras here?"

"Since before the pool was built. Why?"

"What about the other rooms in the house?" Eiri inquired further, ignoring my question.

"Everywhere. There is no price too high for my family's security."

"Does that mean you have a video of that day?" Now, I saw where he was going with this interrogation.

"As a matter of fact, yes. I had to provide it to the police for the investigation and to clear everyone's name from foul play."

Then, the silence settled. Everyone had been cleared without a problem but the chief of police had made a chilling comment. "Adults should always behave like ones and not pretend they are children. Accidents like that would not happen." Fearing what he meant, I refused to watch the video.

"I want to watch it."

"Eiri-san, I don't think…"

"I don't care, Seguchi. I want to settle this. Maybe, Shu has moved on, but I haven't. I want to know what happened."

Stubbornness. That's why I was currently sitting on my couch, next to a fuming Nakano and a brooding Mika. We had waited for Atami to go to bed but no one could change my pig-headed brother-in-law's mind. So, here we were looking at a giggling Shuichi setting Riku on the bathroom counter and cleaning his chocolate mess. In some kind of sick curiosity, Hiro sat forward on the couch to get closer to the TV while Eiri seemed to sink deeper into it. The two were having some silly conversation about a beach house and being twelve years old. Then, it switched to the swimming topic.

"Well if you want a beach house, you are going to have to learn how to swim."

"You promised you were going to teach me," whined the little boy.

"I am going to, but not right now. I don't have all my mind." That comment earned a startled movement from Eiri-san.

Shuichi commanded the fussy little boy to wait for him in the hallway. The image then transitioned to the hallway where Riku was waiting, and Ryu came into view.

"Where is Shu-chan?"

"He is in the restroom," said a sniffling Riku.

"What's wrong?"

"Mama does not want to teach me how to swim but I know I can learn quickly."

"Of course, you can. Kumagoro thinks you will be a great swimmer." He added shaking his plush toy in front of the kid, who could not help but laugh at the child-men's antic. "Why don't you go wait for us by Toh-Toh's brand new pool? We will start your lesson tonight!" No, No, No. Mika gasped and Hiro frowned. Eiri was twitching out of a barely contained anger. Riku hesitated breaking his Mama's rule but temptation won at the end. I stopped the video once it switched to the pool scene. No need to deepen the wound.

"Does Shuichi know about this? Did you tell him?" barked Eiri.

"Of course not. I never watched it. What does it matter? Shuichi knows what happened, he was there." I have always had the cunning ability to keep my head cool in tough situations but why did I feel like I was on trial?

"No, that's the point. He has no idea. He is convinced he is the one who gave the permission to Riku to go to the pool. Don't you see? Before leaving to England, he was depressed. He could not sleep. He barely talked."

"That was six years ago. Now, he is fine." The slightly miffed guitarist interjected. "He has dealt with his demons. I am sure."

"I don't think he has, Hiro-san," quietly corrected my wife who knew about the singer's years of battle with depression. "Besides, what would you know about Shuichi's personal feelings? You never return his phone calls." She spat.

"Twelve years old. Riku, would be twelve years old. Fuck. Seguchi, where is this new beach house?" yelled my brother-in-law attacking me by the collar. Mika handed him the address more to save me than to calm her brother. Putting his coat on, he ran to the door, keys in hands, Nakano in tows and with these parting words: "Nice going, Seguchi. You helped Shu buy his coffin."

All Hiro's futile attempts to fit into Eiri's life were almost endearing. Almost. But reality knocked at our doors tonight. We could all smell our own fears: fear of losing the greatest love, fear of losing a brother, fear of losing control for the first time, fear of losing a secure relationship. We all knew tonight we were going to lose something or someone, but we did not know what exactly.


	7. Prisoners of the Past

**Ok... Here is Chapter 7. We are getting closer to the end of the story and I am sure some of you can't wait to read the conclusion. Is Shuichi alive? I really feel that Shu is a happy person in general so for him to resort to suicide, there needs to be an explanation on how he got to that point. When you lose someone that is dear to you, you don't automatically think that you will end your days. It's painful and sometime you may feel that you will never see the end of the tunnel. But, the majority of us who has experienced loss still moves on. Shuichi is extreme in his actions and that's why he is the perfect candidate... So, sorry if I make you wait so much but I would not be satisfied with the development of the story if I did not have all these steps. :) Please read and review.**

Chapter 7 – Prisoners of the Past

_Even when we don't look back and keep pressing forward, we are all prisoners of the past._

Saturday 27 December, 2008

How was I feeling right now, looking at my boyfriend agonizing over the shredded life of his past love? Absolutely horrible. Shu and Yuki had been over for a good six years and yet the ruins of their relationship had more power over the writer than our healthy five years affair. Craving for the same love, I attached myself to a man I knew was capable of such passion, hoping that one day I would become his muse. But that day never came. Once Shu had asked me if I believed in love regardless of gender and my response was an elusive yes, but my heart was not in it. Years later, I had to bow to the inevitable truth. Love was without boundaries, non-discriminatory and I had fallen into its trap.

Even though I had been well aware that my lover was emotionally impaired to begin with, I don't think I had realized what Shuichi had done for him during the duration of their relationship and the impact it had had on the writer. When Shu left, abandoning our band and pushing away a man, who he claimed, was the greatest love of his life, anger quickly replaced confusion. I was his best friend and yet, he did not trust me to support him. I had sacrificed what could have been a promising medical career for his dream and in return, he stepped on me for his personal advancement. I could not forgive him and even today, Shu was indirectly sabotaging my relationship by refusing to disappear from our circle of friends. Like a haunting shadow, he was in everybody's mind and everybody's conversations. His family had rejected him but he still sent them presents for special occasions. His Bad Luck fans had spat on our records crying betrayal, but he had charmed his way back to their heart with his new soulful style. Shu was always there and I was exhausted fighting his ghost. If Yuki's knuckles turning white from his death grip on the steering wheel were any indication of his current thoughts, I could guarantee that none of them were about me.

"I am sure Shuichi is fine." I ventured. No response. "What are you so worried about?" I carelessly continued. "He bought a beach house. So what? I don't understand why you are so upset about the video. Shuichi has closed the doors on Riku's death a long time ago and he has moved on. Why…"

"Enough!" The brutal command echoed in my heart. I did not expect anything less, anything more, but it still hurt.

That was it, and the silence settled once more. The awkwardness was even more intense than when I saw Shu after five years of sporadic contacts. I had requested to meet him at this little restaurant we used to go to in high school. I told him that Yuki and I wanted to 'catch up' but I had no intention of bringing Yuki with me. It was a bait I may not have needed. Sitting in the darkest corner of the restaurant, our appearances were the indelible proof of our professional successes and failures. Shu with large sunglasses and a hat guaranteed the protection of his identity whereas I was fully exposed to the world, not worrying about fans recognizing me. While he entered the hall of fame with his debut solo album, I exited the world of celebrities with, for the consolation prize, 'Boy Band' albums collecting dust on some pop crazed former teenagers, now young professionals' shelves, while I was a substitute guitarist for second rate bands waiting to make it to the big time.

Shuichi broke the silence. "I am glad you wanted to see me. I imagine Eiri is busy."

"No." I interrupted. "He did not want to see you." I lied. He did not know anything about this.

"I see." He chuckled nervously. "Well, I am glad you called."

To see him so composed even after my spiteful words made me angrier. How could he not be hurt?

"We are moving in together." I blurted out. His eyes grew larger in size - out of surprise maybe? Yuki and I had been together for four years, it was about time for us to take the next step. "You have some items in his apartment. We will need you to take them back."

He froze and his look hardened. "I took everything when I left." He emptied his glass of water.

"I thought you were going to say this. So, I took the liberty to bring them myself." I handed him a plastic bag. His Nittle Grasper's CDs, his silly coffee cup, and the ring Yuki gave him… Pieces of the best friend I thought I knew were messily thrown together. I had had little time before the writer came back from his editor's meeting.

Shu's searching movement stopped. He held in his hand the ring and I thought I saw a fleeting look of sadness. I could not let him get to me.

"Yuki does not want to keep it. He wants to move forward for good. We thought you may want these back. I wish you well." I got up and headed towards the door.

"Does he want to move forward or do you want him to?" Shu questioned.

I stopped in my tracks. What could I respond? Yuki did not want to forget about Shu. He had kept the ring on his finger all along and the only reason I had finally been able to get it was when, on a drunken night, he had removed it. He had searched for it for months, cursing under his breath about his negligence. Shu did not and could not know that, however. So, I kept on going, never looking back and not caring about what my former best friend may have felt. All I wanted was to keep Yuki for me.

Right now, I could not bring myself to feel any compassion for Shu either. Whatever Yuki's fears were about, I could not wrap my mind on why it was so important that we had to drive in the dead of the winter at such a late hour. After all these years with Yuki, it was time for me to take a stand. What was in the past should remain there.

"Look." I started. "It makes no sense. Let's go back to your sister's and sleep on it. If tomorrow, you are still worried, we will drive to his beach house."

"He needs me now. I am not turning back," said the writer sternly.

"Yuki, he did not need you six years ago and he does not need you now."

"You have no idea what you are talking about. You don't know how he was the night before he left."

"No, I don't know because you did not tell me. But let me tell you what I know. He cheated on you with Sakuma-san. He left you without telling you he was breaking up. Stop chasing after what you thought you had and start taking care of what you have."

"What I have?" He snarled. "You, you mean."

"Yes, me. I have been by your side for five years. I did not abandon you. I did not make demands."

"No, you did not … out loud." That shut me up.

"Where is his ring?" Yuki suddenly asked.

"What?"

"You heard me, Hiro-_san_. Where is his ring? I know you have done something with it. What did you do with it?"

The ring of his cell phone saved me from answering. "Maiko. Yes. No. I am driving to his beach house right now. Tohma helped him buy it. About one hour away. I will call you when I see him. Ok." Slamming his phone shut, he reached out for his pack of cigarettes in his coat pocket. From that conversation, I could tell everyone was in a state of high alert once again for Shu.

"The brat has not answered his phone all day. Maiko and Tats are worried." The writer offered as an explanation. Inhaling on his cigarette, he put down his pack and what looked like a picture of him and Shu at a party. Curiosity kills the cat.

Anger quickly consumed me. "Figures." I snapped. "God damn it! When is everybody going to stop worrying about him? He made his bed, let him lie in it."

The next thing I knew, we were stopped on the side of the road.

"Out," he growled. "Out of the car, now!"

"No."

"You know, Hiro-san. You are the one who never forgot the past. Me, Tohma, Mika, Maiko, Tats, and even Shu, we all moved on. In our own ways, we all did. But you, you never even tried. Shu left and you wrote him off and acted like the victim. You could have been part of any up and coming band but you preferred wallowing in your misery. You hang on to me and made it your mission to domesticate me. Well, you failed. This relationship is over. Now, out."

Still glaring at me, he unlocked the door. Trying to process the information thrown at me, I moved out of the car like an automaton. Stunned, I watched Yuki accelerate at top speed to Shu, to his past. Left in the dust, it finally hit me. Yuki had not accepted me in his life because he needed my help. He had accepted me because Shu had asked him to: _"Please be strong and help the people who want your help."_

Shu had known how I would react. He had understood what his departure would cost me and he had not only made sure I would keep my job, but he had requested from his lover to support me. Though my current anger overwhelmed my senses, I could feel the glimpse of a new emotion. It was faint, but it was there. Perhaps, for the first time in a long time, I worried, not about myself, but about my best friend which I had lost from my own doing.

_Even when we don't look back and keep pressing forward, we are all prisoners of the past … until we deal with it._

TBC


	8. Come Back To Me

**Here is Chapter 8. That means 2 more chapters to go! I don't know about you but it's been a journey for me. I hope you enjoy this chapter. I also would like to thank 'mystakenidentity' and 'secret hidden within me' for being faithful readers and reviewers. I have to admit that I am a little disappointed for not getting more feedback. I have seen authors communicating they wanted a certain number of reviews before they release the next chapter but that's not me. So no worries! See you next week. **

Chapter 8 – Come Back To Me

_Reacting is our failure to accept the consequences of our actions and the ones of others._

Saturday 27 December 2008

30 minutes. 30 minutes before I got to that damn beach house. Something was wrong. I could feel it. Everyone had had this morbid feeling tonight. Or was it just me? No. Maiko's frantic phone call was still echoing in my head.

"_Did Shuichi call you? Tohma told me you left his house. Where are you going? Are you almost there? How much longer? Eiri-san, I am worried. He has not contacted us. He always contacts us. Please help him. He has been keeping his head just above water for a while but he is sinking. I know it. He isolated himself from all of us to deal with his depression but everything just got worst every year." _

The rest of her babbles were drawn out by her heart wrenching wails. By the time I hung up, Tatsuha was trying to sooth her urging me to hurry. Me? The ex-boyfriend who talked to him once a year at best? The one who got dumped, on TV no less, for the world to see? The cold hearted bastard who cared about no one? … Except him.

They said 'time heals everything.' What they forgot to mention was that we all have scars, invisible scars marking us for life, shaping us, influencing our decisions, guiding our choices. They are here for us to carry as a tragic trophy. If ignored, they could silently hurt us and lead us to self-destruction. That was where I was travelling nine years ago until Shu blocked my destination with his unconditional love for life. When he, himself, started on that road, I was not there. And now… I did not want to think about it now. I just needed to see him, alive.

15 minutes. 15 minutes and a huge burden would lift from my shoulders. My phone rang once more. Seguchi. "Eiri-san, are you there?" Skipping all of his habitual polite chit-chats, I was on the phone with the business man.

"Not yet."

"I contacted a doctor. He is on his way." My mind went on a full panic mode. My brother-in-law recognized something was wrong and calculated his move to soften the blow: a doctor. Shu was hurt.

Quenching my fears, I kept my response at a minimum. "Ok."

"He is 20 minutes behind you." Not a chance. I was driving close to 200km/hour or did Tohma also take that into account? I always quietly marveled at his ability to plot and his proactive moves, but he was getting old. He did not foresee Shu's problems and he was not ready to catch him before he fell. He was reacting.

"Ok."

"Where did you leave Nakano-san?" Here he was. The chess player was back in the game. After giving him Hiro's exact location, I hung up and pushed on the accelerator.

5 minutes. 5 minutes and I would get to see Shu again. Our picture lodged in between the car seats begged me to go faster, to not let panic paralyze my every thought and action. Grabbing my phone, I made a last attempt at getting in touch with the Brat. But, he would not let me rest in peace and refused to answer. I did not have this problem with Hiro. The guitarist always waited for me to accept him. Scrutinizing my every move and analyzing my every word, he hoped that someday I would give in and welcome him into my life. Deep down, he knew there was no room for him as the space had already been taken long ago. This hope, however, was what kept him afloat. What was Shuichi hoping for? What made him get up in the morning? The answers frightened me.

Screeching to a halt, I jumped out of my car and raced to the front door. Locked. Damn it! Circling the house, I saw his patio and climbing the wooden stairs four steps at a time, I barged inside his house without a second thought, screaming on the top of my lungs the name of the Brat. The eeriness of the silent house made my skin crawl. After a quick check of all the rooms, I had to face the fact he was not here. In the dark solitude of these four walls, I, Eiri Yuki, did not know what I needed to do next.

I knew he had to be in the vicinity because his shoes were still in the hallway and his car was parked in the driveway. Walking in the living room, I started looking for a note, anything that could put me on the right track. Then I saw it … The ring I gave to him, hooked to a key chain, haphazardly left behind on the dinner table. An uneasy feeling suddenly overpowered me. Regardless of how Shu came to have this ring into his possession again, he had left it behind as his final note to me, planning to join Riku to a better place.

Mirroring my internal turmoil, the wind outside was picking up, battling with the waves furiously crashing down on the beach. I was missing something, making me lose precious time that the Brat did not have. "Where the fuck are you?" I shouted, frustration building up. Then, in one moment of distinct clarity, it finally made sense. Shuichi may have changed these past six years and I may not have understood he had indeed been on a quest to self destruction, but he still remained blissfully obvious on how to achieve his goals. As a twisted honor to the child he thought he carelessly led to his ultimate demise, he wanted to drown.

Backtracking to the patio, I ran on the beach like a wild animal, with a tunnel vision, focused on its prey. Knee high in the freezing water, looking left and right and dodging the brutality of the oncoming waves, I knew it was a lost cause. The darkness was heavy and I was straining to just see five meters away. Doubt clouded my mind and I started questioning my course of action. What if he just went for a walk to cool his head? What if my fears for Shuichi's life were in reality a projection of my personal needs? Confused, I was trapped by my incertitude. I turned around and landed my eyes on a body lying lifelessly where the waves died and the beach started. "Shu-i-chi" I murmured in disbelief. My obsession to protect and fix what I consider mine took over and forced me to act.

In no time, I was pulling him away from the water and placed him in the recovery position. I was powerless, again. His pale, cold skin and blue lips terrified me. His bloated abdomen told me he had swallowed a great amount of water. As cool and as collected I could be under the circumstances and with all the control I could muster, I started CPR.

_1 2 3 Breath 1 2 3 Breath 1 2 3 Breath 1 2 3 Breath 1 2 3 Breath 1 2 3…_

After Riku's death and Shuichi's departure, I discreetly enrolled in a first aid training class. While the initial motives for my new endeavor were not clear to me at the time, I reasoned that it could come in handy sometime in the future. Deep down, I knew it was a desperate attempt to prove I had done everything I could to revive Riku and to exonerate myself of my guilt. Who would have known that these skills would be put to use once again?

_1 2 3 Breath 1 2 3 Breath 1 2 3 Breath 1 2 3 Breath 1 2 3 Breath 1 2 3…_

Last year, I ran into Shu at NG. Me on my way to see my dear brother-in-law. Him on his way to a temporary recording studio he used when vacationing in Japan. I caught his hesitation entering the elevator when he saw me alone, but true to the mature man he had become, he did not let our history deter him from entering the elevator to avoid potential confrontation.

"Good morning, Eiri-san."

"Shindou-san." Was it the sound of my voice that made him flinch or was it my over polite greeting?

"How have you been?" He deflected my cold demeanor or maybe embraced it, finally realizing his full masochistic potential.

"I have been doing great for five years to be exact." The starching difference of my attitude towards him between the wedding last year and now must have made him tremble. In reality, I had wanted to apologize for the carelessness of my tactless words, but the sadist in me was in control that morning.

"I see." When we reached his floor, he stepped out of the elevator and turned around to give me a final smile. His expression made my stomach turn as I detected a note of bittersweet victory. Was he waiting for a sign from me that I had finally turned the page on our past relationship and that I had abandoned the hope of us being together?

_1 2 3 Breath 1 2 3 Breath 1 2 3 Breath 1 2 3 Breath 1 2 3 Breath 1 2 3…_

Putting my ear close to his heart checking his vital signs, I wanted to connect to something tangible and not let him disappear from our lives. Tears streamed down my cheeks but I would not allow emotions overtake me. Somebody needed to fight for Shu. Somebody needed to be strong. "Come back to me. Come back to me. Come back to me." This mantra was meant to give me strength but with every push on his chest and with every breath I gave him, I was dying a little bit more inside.

_1 2 3 Breath 1 2 3 Breath 1 2 3 Breath 1 2 3 Breath 1 2 3 Breath 1 2 3…_

TBC


	9. The Song of The Lost Souls

**Chapter 9 is here! Some of you may not see the point of this chapter but the introduction of this character and his point of view is important to me because it ties some loose ends in an impartial way. Thank you for the reviews. I appreciate your suggestions and opinions. This story is coming to an end with the last chapter being published next week. Please read and enjoy!**

Chapter 9 – The Song of The Lost Souls

_We all lose our way at some point in time. The key is for the people who care for you to listen to your song of despair and let them guide you back home wherever that may be._

Sunday 28 December 2008

I am a doctor. A long time ago, I made it my personal business to save human lives regardless of their background, the circumstances of what brought them to me, and who they were. Lawyers or janitors, men or women, children or adults, criminals or pillars of society, family or strangers, it was my responsibility to rescue them from death's tenacious claws. Throughout my career, I witnessed the damaging effect of disease that dragged out too long, wounds that went untreated, and mental illnesses that were never identified or acknowledged. For the ones suffering, finding relief had no price, more often than not pushing them out of their comfort zone. I met a lot of lost souls that gravitated around stable ones, stronger and more stubborn.

So, Seguchi-sama's phone call tonight announcing that one of his lost souls was at a point of no return did not surprise me. No explanation needed to be given. I knew my marching orders: save the innocents, put back together the broken bodies, provide a path to the lost ones. For my long time friend, I got in my car right away, leaving my wife and children in our sanctuary, where the ugliness of the world was kept at a safe distance.

In 30 minutes, I found myself knocking at the door of the house I was directed to go to. It opened to unveil Eiri Usuegi a.k.a. Yuki Eiri, the stoic romance novelist whose disheveled appearance made him somehow more human than any of the other times I had seen him. Without a word, he led me to the living room where a young man laid seemingly sleeping on the couch.

"Please help him." The writer implored.

Approaching the one and only Shuichi Shindou, I was not certain he was still alive.

"What happened to him?" I had taken care of him years ago after a party when he had made one too many cuts, but his pale skin and the lack of blood indicated Shindou-san had chosen another way to make himself suffer.

"He went for a swim and drowned... accidently." He added as an afterthought. I did not question. That was not my job. Kneeling on the floor, I removed the blanket covering the singer, and saw the fresh cutting lines Seguchi-sama had warned me about. I came here expecting to stitch and instead I was looking at draining lungs filled with salt water.

"I already practiced CPR on him for 10 minutes. He puked a lot of water."

"I can see that." I cut in. "That's what probably saved his life."

Crossing the living room to the fireplace, the writer turned his back on me and stared at the fire that was starting to intensify.

"Did I?"

I ignored his rhetorical question and proceeded with my examination. "His pulse is good. His heart is beating strongly. He is a fighter."

Yuki-san turned around angrily. "A fighter, you say! He is a quitter. That's what he is." Kneeling beside me, he clasped the singer's frail hand in his. "You tell me what you hoped to accomplish by leaving me behind." As repentance for his outburst, he gently removed wet strands of hair from Shindou-san's face and kissed his unresponsive hand.

With tears in his eyes, he faced me again. "Please help him."

I sighed. "You already did all the work, Yuki-san. I checked for spinal injury and neck injury, and he seems fine. If we take him to the hospital …"

"No, no hospitals. His career would not survive." He interrupted. "I know he will be fine physically…" Suddenly at a loss for words, he intently stared at his former partner.

"The rest is up to him." I stated. "There are support programs available to him. Medications may help as well."

"Unfortunately, I know these too well. If he starts taking them, it will be a life sentence." He said with disgust.

"What makes you think he is not in treatment already?" Yuki-san's shifted his gaze towards me searching for the information he did not have.

"The bigger question is whether he is following it or not." I continued. I empathized with the writer's internal struggle silently raging, my work as a physician was done even before it began. Picking up my sorry excuse of a body from the floor, I needed to buy some time to ensure this tumultuous pair was going to be ok. "Let me see what we have in the kitchen. Some tea perhaps?" The upscale kitchen did not offer anything at all. Apparently, the international star did not plan on staying here for long.

"Sorry, Yuki-san, there is nothing."

He ignored me. "He talked a little bit when I revived him but he was incoherent. He passed out almost right away." From a man who was better known for his reclusive tendencies and total rejection of his family, I could sense his anxious call for reassurance. Swallowing an invisible lump, he pressed on. "Do you know when he will wake up?"

"Right now, he needs rest. I would advise moving him to the bedroom so he can be more comfortable. When he wakes up, he should eat and drink. I will call Seguchi-sama to give him a report and ask him to take care of what Shindou-san needs."

I motioned Yuki-san to pick up the singer. Seeing how thin Shindou-san was, I did not think it would be too much of a task. Complying, the writer hugged the frail body of his former partner with his strong arms and with great care moved him to the master bedroom with me in tow. The covers pulled up to his chin, he looked so fragile that if he was one of my kids, I would probably hold his hand just to make sure he did not disappear. Obviously, this was not my hand to hold and Yuki-san was doing a fine job on his own.

"All right, Yuki-san. I am no longer needed here. Please make sure to keep him hydrated and fed. When he wakes up, give him this." I placed a bottle of painkillers on the night table. "They are safe so don't worry. Drugs are not his addiction of choice." I then fished out of my bag a set of bandages. "He will also need this."

"Why?" He questioned with a dark undertone.

"Shindou-san needs a lot of care and right now, denial is not one of the ingredients in his recovery. You stripped him down so you saw the cuts. Some of them have reopened and they will need attention."

"You seem to know a lot about him." He said in defeat.

"I let his body speak to me. You are the one who knows his heart."

"Thank you, sensei." The writer emotionally whispered. Pulling up the armchair to sit by Shindou-san's side, he went back to his contemplation of how they got to this point.

Stepping out once more in the cold winter night, I had to wonder how people could get so lost that they would resort to such an extent to harm themselves. Genuine concern and devoted love were exactly what the singer needed, and if Yuki-san could forget the why's and the how's, Shindou-san may have a chance at life. By relying on the people who loved him and letting them support him, he may find his way back and share a little piece of happiness. The way I saw it, Shindou-san took a side road that confused him. In his heart, he knew he should not be there but he did not know his way back. His senses were jammed leaving him absolutely helpless. His giving nature pushed the people he loved away for fear of dragging them down with him.

But now… Now, he did not have a choice. The writer had found him in the pit of darkness and he would not let him go… until the lost soul finds its way home.

TBC


	10. On The Road to Perdition

**Hello everyone! This is the final chapter. I hope you enjoy it. I would to thank all the readers and reviewers who followed my story and supported me in the writing process.**

Chapter 10 – On The Road to Perdition

_The road to perdition is not a one-way street. While people start on that path when life deals them the wrong cards, they can also find an escape thanks to the unconditional love of their family, friends, and lovers._

Sunday 28 December 2008

In the wee hours of the morning, at the time when the creatures of the night dragged their exhausted body to bed, still smelling of cigarettes, sex, and alcohol, Yuki Eiri prayed. The former monk in training recited chants, pressing his Buddhist beads with all the religious fervor of his young days. He found solace and wisdom in meditation, which allowed him to bath in the purity and compassion of the words. Before the battle, warriors always took comfort in their self-imposed rituals calming, if for a brief instant, a roaring heart thirsty for blood at the anticipation of the struggle.

Eiri was ready to fight to take back what was his. Six years ago, he did not understand what he was up against but these past twelve hours had enlightened him and cleared away all the doubts and insecurities. Shuichi was sleeping fitfully sporting a deep frown as a constant reminder of his troubled state. To the writer, it did not matter because he knew there will be better days. He just needed to convince his former partner as well. Uncomfortable in the role of caring savior having always been the unwilling recipient of overbearing attention, he hoped Shuichi would go easy on him.

He knew too well the damages total despair could inflict on your self-esteem, but the singer had taken it to an all new level by turning to self-mutilation. As a writer, he had written about it to describe the extreme measure tormented souls would go to find relief, but this was happening to Shuichi not a fictional character. Trailing a finger on the uncovered scars, he sighed.

The call for nicotine once more made itself known. While he stood on the bedroom balcony filling his lungs with his cancer sticks, Eiri kept an attentive eye on the delicate singer, whose movement indicated his imminent awakening.

"Riku." The moment the frail voice reached his ears, golden eyes locked on the lithe form drowned in the crumpled sheets. After tiptoeing around the bed in case his imagination had played a nasty trick on him, Eiri looked down to meet confused, slightly panicked purple eyes.

"Good morning, Shu." Politeness was always better than his world renowned icy come backs.

"Water" Ready for the singer's first demand, Eiri handed him a glass. He could see by Shu's furrowed eyebrows that he was trying to sort out the events from last night. "How did I get here? Why are you here?" As the puzzles gradually fell into place, the adrenaline seemed to fuel the petite man who gripped the sheet as anger built.

Sitting back on the armchair, the writer resolved to avoid dodging questions. For both their sake, truth was going to be the best remedy. "You washed up on the shore. I came just in time."

"Is that so? You saved me but you could not do the same for a 6-year old." He snarled. Almost instantly, he paled at the harshness of his own words. "Eiri, I did not mean…"

The writer abruptly got up and left the bedroom. As weak as Shuichi felt, his guilt gave him energy but his leg failed him when he tried to stand. Shouting for Eiri to come back, he crawled to the door's threshold, reaching out for support with the frame. On his two shaky feet, he continued with great difficulty to the living room. "Eiri, I am sorry. Damn it!"

"Brat, I am in the kitchen. Calm down before you get a stroke." The writer came in and pulled a chair at the dinner table. "Sit down. The food will be served in a minute."

Submissively, the pop star did as he was told and in a blink of an eye, he found himself covered with a blanket. He hugged it taking comfort in the sudden warmth. "There is no food."

"Tohma had it delivered earlier this morning." The writer returned to the kitchen to delay the piece of information he had to eventually reveal. How did you tell a broken man that the reason of his guilt was unfounded?

"Seguchi-san knows? How? You told him?" The accusatory tone told Eiri that the singer still cared about appearances and wanted to keep at a distance the people who were concerned about him.

With two bowls of ramen in his hands, he sat down at the table across Shuichi. "I did not need to. We all knew. You did not return any of our phone calls, not even your sister's."

"Maiko…" His once upon a time expressive purple eyes, the doors to the human soul, vacated the premises. No pain, no joy, no struggle, no peace, they conveyed no emotions, just emptiness.

Not able to bear what they were telling them one more minute, the writer attempted to break the spell. "Eat, Shuichi"

"What for? I am not hungry." As a challenge, he pushed the bowl away from him and looked at his former partner, unwavering in his decision.

"Do as you please, but I am not going anywhere."

"Your boyfriend will worry." Eiri understood perfectly well what was going on, having a lifetime track record of isolating himself. He smiled. No matter what, Shuichi remained the Brat who was unable to implement a well thought out plan.

"Hiro and I broke up last night."

"Not on my account, I hope." The singer said sarcastically.

"It's always been about you."

Suspicions quickly replaced surprise, signaling a looming wrath. This had to be stopped before everything got out of control. "Last night, I was at Tohma's house and I learned that he had a video of that day." Eiri pushed the bowl in front of him. Palms on the table, golden eyes bored into purple ones. "I viewed it and what I saw made my stomach turn."

"Of course, it did." Knocking the chair down, Shuichi was trying to run as far away from this conversation as he could.

"Brat, don't act like an idiot!" The singer ignored him, slowly heading to the bedroom. "You had nothing to do with it. You told him to wait in the hallway. Sakuma is the one who gave him permission to go to the pool." Shuichi stopped in his track and stood still for what seemed like an eternity.

"Don't you dare! Don't you dare blaming someone else for what I did, Yuki-san." Denial. It could have been worst.

"Your antagonistic behavior is not going to help."

"Anta… what?" Maybe curiosity or anger forced him to turn around. For a famous song writer, Shuichi's vocabulary was limited to say the least.

Steadfast, Eiri pursued. "I saw it of my own two eyes. I don't have the video now but when you are well enough, we can go to Tohma's and you can confirm my story."

Instinctively, Shuichi started massaging his arms, holding on to what he had known for the past six horrible years of his life. The mask was crumbling to uncover raw emotions. His body shook at the realization of the absurdity of his life or what he had made of it.

To renew the long lost connection, Eiri closed the distance between them and enveloped him to shield him from the self-loathing feeling threatening to overcome them both. "Cry, Shuichi. Cry." The tears damped the writer's designer shirt and decisive hands clawed at his back, probably leaving marks, but Eiri did not care.

"That can't be true. Sakuma would have told me. He wouldn't have let me offer myself to him. It's…" The unfinished thoughts, hiccups, sniffling, and whimpers were the notes of the song of despair and the writer was here to listen. The release of all the pant-up emotions mentally and physically weakened the already fragile singer. His legs gave out, but Eiri surprisingly at ease with his new role of supporter picked him up before he fell on the floor.

"You are exhausted." Back in the bedroom, he laid the petite man once more on the master bed and reached out for the bottle of pills on the night table. "Take this. It will make you sleep better." Compliant and without a question, the singer swallowed hoping somehow that it would keep at bay the nightmares and the monsters inhabiting them. The sobs would not subside though and continued to rack his body. Like that night in early March, six years ago, Eiri joined him to bed. With the shyness of a budding relationship, Shuichi slowly closed the distance to fit in the writer's embrace. Home. After many trials and fights, Shuichi and Eiri were finally at home with each other, striving for a peaceful stability. "I am sorry." The singer whispered, a lone tear ending its course on the sheet. A finger under his chin, the writer forced the singer to look at him. "I love you, brat. Everything will be ok. You are not alone anymore." Blinking to acknowledge he had heard him, Shuichi fell asleep with a small smile on his face, a promise to better days.

Edging on an unchartered territory, they were both creating their own path. Shuichi Shindou, broken and unstable, and Eiri Usuegi, who did not know a first thing about loving someone properly, were holding hands walking away from the road to perdition… for good.

The End

**If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to let me know. Quite frankly, I have thought about writing a sequel but for right now, I am satisfied with the outcome. Cheers!**


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